Equinics 2016 – RESIDENCY SET ABLAZE

Equinic Torch Passed Onto Comedy Central, Residency Set Ablaze

The Comedy Central village was empty, deserted actually the day the Equinic Torch arrived. The torch is passed from residency to residency in the days preceding the beginning of the games. The last residency to have the torch delivered it to Comedy Central only to be met with a series of arrowed signs that read “Deliver Torch This Way”.

When the torch reached the center of town, there was a bunch of nut shells, glued together, with a hollowed out center. A sign written in crayon in a rainbow of colors (sorry, not the LGBT colors) but those of shades of dark browns, grey and black. The sign said simply “Place torch here” with a crooked arrow pointing to the lopsided holder.

The deliverer ran off and the torch glowed in the center of town, with no one there. So, a question comes to mind….’If a torch burns and no one is there to see it, is it really lit?’ Who knows? Anyway, the torch sat burning for hours. And hours. And hours.

A full day and a half passed by before the participants of the Comedy Central residency left the town hall. Within the hall, a long meeting was held to discuss the future of the residency. Just as the members were about to vote, Itch decided to delay the vote as he did not think the vote would go the way he desired. And thus begun a filibuster.

Itch started the filibuster by launching a series of knock knock jokes. The genius started off with “knock knock”. The gang simultaneously replied “who’s there”. “Dwayne” said Itch. The group asked “Dwayne Who”. Itch answered “Dwayne the tub, I’m drowning”.

After two hours of knock knock jokes, with most running again as reruns, Itch yielded the floor to fellow supporter Psyduck. Psyduck has been waiting for this moment for a long time and brought his lack of ability to do ventriloquism to the table. Pulling out a dirty sock with one button sewn in for an eye and a hole with the other one had fallen off and lipstick circled around for a mouth he started his routine talking to his hand. It was very hard to tell who was talking to who as Psyduck was using his hand to move the mouth of the make-shift puppet the same time his mouth was moving. The discussion went back and fourth between the two with both mouths moving….but who was talking to who? Eventually, Psyduck’s voice faded off from continued strain and after two hours he yielded the floor to another supporter, NPark.

Now NPark has the ability to dress like a clown and walk like a clown. So the filibuster continued. Unfortunatley, those opposing Itch’s viewpoint had not left as the audience size remained the same. They presumably were enjoying the show. NPark made a lot of clown faces from frowns to smiles to looks of confusion. The last seemed to be a more normal look. He stepped multiple times on his own feet as walking in the size 33 shoes proofed to be difficult. The feature of the act was to blow up balloons and knit them into clever animals for each of the viewers. It took a long time to make the animals as the balloons kept popping. Three hours later, after tripping over the shoes, falling to the ground and having the round red nose fall off, the floor was yielded to yet another supporter, Shagfarms.

Shagfarms is the residency’s stand-up comedian. Shag had everyone move their chairs so they could sit in a semi-circle so that it would feel like a stage the show would be held on. The first joke seemed appropriate to the setting as Shag rolled off “Ordinarily, staring is creepy. But if you spread your attention across many individuals, then it’s just people watching”. The small gathering roared in laughter.

The act continued and got a bit raunchy at times “Hey…I went to a strip club the other night. When I paid my bill, I gave them Monopoly money. When the manager came out and asked why I was paying with fake money I said ‘I figured that’s the currency you use when you see fake boobs’. Shag continued hitting a broad range of subjects. Three hours later, when he reached the end of the joke book he was reading from, he found yet another voting buddy to yield the floor to and brought Tigerman up to continue the filibuster.

Tigerman is the athletic sort but can be clumsy. He took the stage setting that Shagfarms left behind and showed everyone how well he could sing off key while jogging in place. This talent lasted about twenty minutes before he tired out. After calling time out and taking a fifteen minute rest, the skills continued to be displayed. Weight lifting ability was shown by lifting a chair above the head with two hands. Problems arose when this event was repeated using just one hand as the chair fell to the floor.

Tigerman moved on to juggling. Picking up a half-eaten apple, he tossed it up with one hand, catching it in the other. Then tossed it right back. The apple was caught six times in a row before it was missed, turning into apple sauce when it pounded onto the floor. The game was upped when Tigerman took a sharp knife and was getting ready to juggle it. All the residents yelled and screamed in horror and took a good hour to convince Tigerman that it was not a good idea. Tigerman stepped down, yielding the floor to Squirrel.

Taking the make-shift stage, Squirrel said “It’s about time. Now it’s back to me. If you remember, I put a motion out to vote on the subject before this filibuster started and now is the time.” Itch jumped up and said “But I think we should close down the residency. I just wanted those who opposed the motion to leave during my filibuster but no one did. This may not pass”. Squirrel looked around the room and stated “Well, it appears that everyone that is present agrees with you as all but Roxyken joined the filibuaster. No one else here seems to have an argument to continue the residency operations.”

A loud “HUH?” echoed in the hall. The vote was then held and passed unanimously by a vote of 12 to 0. Several people held up two hands and voted twice, which was counted. The residents left the hall to find the torch glowing in the late dark hours of the evening. “Wonder when that arrived?” asked Roxyken. “Heck if I know” said Squirrel. “What should we do with it?” asked Itch.

Took an hour as everyone stood around the torch, gazing at its beauty as it glowed, but no one had an answer. It took a mosquito to provide one. As it bit into the leg of Squirrel, she leaped up with her idea and said “Why don’t we auction it off!!!”. Gazes passed from one to the other and the group nodded their agreement. “Ok, I’ll be the auctioneer….we’ll start the bidding at 1,000” Squirrel said as the auction kicked off.

When no one responded, the bidding dropped to 750. It dropped to 500 and then 250 with no takers. Squirrel opened the bid to the floor “Ok, who wants to make an offer to start things off?”.

“I’ll offer one credit” said Roxyken. “That’s too rich for my blood” said Psyduck and he left the area. “Me too” said Tigerman, following Psyduck.

“Why’d you start the bidding so high!!” said the aggravated Npark who stared at the high bidder before storming off. “Yea, that was unfair of you” said Shagfarms, also walking off. As Itch walked away, he shouted back over his shoulder “Sure, the rich really have to control things, don’t they. Just not fair!!!” and he scratched his arm as he disappeared into the night.

“Looks like you are the high bidder. You can put that credit into the residency bank in the morning.” Squirrel said and continued. “Here’s your prize” and tossed the lit torch which was just barely caught by Roxyken before scorching the remaining three hairs on his head. Squirrel turned and walked away voicing the final words to be spoken “You really know how to ruin a good thing”!!!!

The next morning, all the residents left the Comedy Central village and made their way over the various Sim race tracks to tend to their horses. That is, all but one. Roxyken who had been put down by all the residents during the selling of the torch for one credit. Angered as he was, he still had determination. Holding his hands over the torch to warm them, he felt the heat and got a devilish revengeful idea. Picking up the torch, he held it high and ran through the village like an Olympian. Each building he passed was set ablaze by the torch. Arriving at the main gate and looking back, the Comedy Central Residency was fully burning. He was the last to walk through the gate, a place that will eternally Rest in Peace.

  


Written by ROKYKEN